WHOOPS by Yerk and Kreeper

< For Juggalo advice, email dearstabbi@gmail.com! >

Dear Stabby,

The chick from my GED class finally let me smash. With her friend no less! Problem is they live in a crackhouse and her friend couldn’t get horny what with the glory hole in the bathroom and all, so we had to sneak back to mom dukes place to commence the humpin! I know my uncle heard us cuz he busts in pretending he finna take a shit, like he forgot where the bathroom was, when really he just wanted a glimpse of this epic fuck action. Next time these two freaks are proposing bringing my homie in the mix to have a pussy eating contest. I’m down but we need a judge! I’m thinking about asking unc since he obviously wants to watch, but if mom finds out she’ll slap my beard off. Then I’ll be drydicked AND grounded. What should I do??

Hon E. B. Burgler

Hi Hon!
Thanks for trusting me with such an intimate dilemma! Worry not, this column is a judgement free place to share openly and feel safe. But if I was your mother I would slap you too and you would deserve it, you pervert! You’re so worried about what your uncle wants that you never thought to ask either girl how they feel about it! I know if somebody caught me with my pants down pretending he might poop on me I would probably not want to see them ever again. And think of your poor mom! Don’t you think SHE might want to be included for a change? Try low balling her with a “Hey mommy, what if…?” hypothetical. The answer might surprise you! But before you get ahead of myself, have an honest talk with all of the key players first. When it comes to sexy times it’s important that everyone feels secure and comfortable. Who knows, maybe they have their own judges in mind? It’s not all about you and your creepy uncle, you know!

Never Speak to Me Again,
Stabby!

< For Juggalo advice, email dearstabbi@gmail.com! >

Dear Stabby,

I have a fitness question. I workout religiously with one goal in mind: I want a bigger butt. My friends all hit the shows showing off comic book Super Hero Ass but no matter how much I lift and tone my sad cheeks look like they belong on Droopy Dog! Do you know any lifehacks so I can cheat my way into a superior posterior?

-Pittsburgh Pancake Butt

Hi Pancake!
Can I call you Flapjack instead? Flapjack Fanny? Flappy for short? No? Ok.

Well if you ask me, there’s nothing wrong with a healthy exercise routine but in this case you might be your own worst enemy. Take my Uncle Debra for example, he has the fattest ass of anyone I know and all he does is chainsmoke Chesterfields and watch TruTV. Now I’m not saying be like Uncle Debbie (seriously. Don’t.) but in my thinking the key to a fat ass is…well, fat. Dr. Stabby prescribes a healthy dose of KFC and Kraft Macaroni as a surefire way to expand donk. If you end up with lopsided loop just revert to your gym tactics and even the lumpy parts out accordingly. I guess you could do like Cardi and get a buttmeat transplant, but let’s be real. You don’t have rapper money. I do happen to know a carnie in San Miguel that’ll do it cheap and discreet in exchange for a case of limited-edition Faygo, but let’s just say you’ll be a lot happier if you don’t ask where he gets his materials from.

Best of Luck on Your Booty Bounty,
Stabby!

< For Juggalo advice, email dearstabbi@gmail.com! >

Dear Stabby,

I need your advice. I’m studying for an exam, and it’s super important that I get high marks! I’m a grown-ass woman with the body of a 12-year-old anorexic orphan boy so my grades are all I have going for me. Plus I have a pathological need to be the best- any score less than 100 and I will die from failure and embarrassment! People say I’m dramatic but I’m not dramatic, everybody else is just stupid! Please help!

Maniacally Academic in Maryland

Hi Macadamia Mary!

Since the turnaround time for these letters takes so long you’ve likely already taken and failed your test, so RIP. But just in case, you’ve come to the right place. According to my promotional material I graduated with a Masters in Psychology from Dark Carnival University so I’m a genius or something. In school I used mnemonic devices to memorize the stages of coping with terminal illness. Anger, denial, fear, bargaining, depression, acceptances for me became: Ayo, Dying Finna Be Damn Awesome! However nothing beats an old fashion cram sesh, so make sure you hit those books. And if anybody talks shit on your big brain and boy body again, hit THEM with the books! Until they stop moving. (Make sure nobody’s around for this last part)

We Never Spoke,
Stabby!