Dear Stabby – 3Jan2021

< For Juggalo advice, email dearstabbi@gmail.com! >

Dear Stabby,
What up you freaky, stab-happy bitch!?
I like a girl with a little bit of crazy. How’s about you send me some skins through this here email? Send me some succulent shots of them titties and neden! Whatta say?
But FUCK ALL THAT for a second. There are serious matters to attend to. I’ve got a problem… maybe you can help me. I STA… wait, no…
I am upper management at an underground music label. One I’m sure all Juggalos would be familiar with.
We’re always releasing constant freshness for the Juggalos of the world. Basically, we think of what WE would think is cool and then do it. That’s how businesses work, right? Never had any problems with that. IN FACT, we have this fresh new project in the works. It’s called the Scary Scarecrow Sisters. We’re gonna get these teenage girls and like… make them into a country-pop group. EXCEPT, instead of doing traditional pop they’re gonna be kicking the wicked shit! How fresh is that? We’re going to give them these hillbilly personas and have them talk about murdering hillbilly pedophiles and shit. How fresh is that?
But anyway… Lemme get back to the matter at hand, gnome sayin? I’ve got a problem at my label. We’ve been around for a long time, and we’ve influenced and shaped a lot of ninja’s careers in the underground, ya know? But these days, nobody has any fuckin loyalty! It’s fuckin bullshit!.We keep promising juggalos all this serious freshness, but the WE get the bone and look like fuckin’ floobs. Just this past month our in-house producer and engineer just up and bounced on us! And to make matters worse, he completely stabbed us in the back! He went over to another label who is jealous of us and did a song for THEM! I haven’t heard it, I don’t pay any attention to them, but it fucking sucks!
No one has any fuckin’ loyalty anymore! I admit we fucked up a couple times. We hadn’t paid him for his work on our Hallowick… I mean Halloween single, and we hadn’t paid him for any of the work he’d done on our new album, but we were GOING to! It’s a fuckin pandemic and we’re BROKE! I got kids to feed! The fuck am I supposed to do? I even let homie live in the studio for FREE out of the kindness of my heart. And this is the kindness I get? It’s bullshit!
And this ain’t the first time shit like this has happened. Not by a long shot. I let another snake bitch fuck stay in my crib and you know what he did? He completely fucked my family! Then he just up and bounced when we told him he couldn’t do shit for our label anymore. No loyalty!
So Stabby, what the fuck are we s’posed to do? Should I stop being so nice? Stop doing everything I can to make sure they succeed? I don’t know if I can do that. I love too much. How do I convince these motherfuckers that loyalty is more important than anything, including their own livelihood and well-being? Thanks for your help you crazy stabby flabby titty, scabby-assed hoe!
P.S. Lemme know what’s up with them skins.

Your friend and mine,
Nobody Fresh

Hi Nobody!
Upper management at an underground music label that’s been around a while, huh…? You’re not fooling anyone, Scum! We all know its you. Releasing constant freshness is a tune I think we can all dance to (see what I did there? ‘Cuz you’re a music ninja? You’re a music ninja and I said we can all dance ‘cuz that’s what you do to music. Get it?). In fact my actual sister is a literal scary scarecrow. I’d try to set up an audition but to be honest her vocal range sucks. She can only speak in reversed Bible passages and her only marketable skill is taking pieces of other people and sewing them onto herself.
So. Loyalty. But you also mentioned business. Business…loyalty…loyalty…business. Now I don’t need to be an underground rap superstar like Damien Quinn to know that these two notions don’t exactly gel like the most succulent of aspic. Of course you must provide for your kids, but even living in your studio isn’t going to feed your engineer unless he’s allowed to eat the equipment. See, when you run a business your employees are kind of your kids too, in that they’re looking to you to provide a means for them to live as trade off for the work they do. No one can buy milk or eggs or heroin in exchange for a fat stack of Your Promises. Loyalty is good and all, but that’s also the kind of thing that keeps people trapped in shitty, abusive, exploitative relationships- and you know what most people do when loyalty starts fucking their life up?
They run away from home, G. So my actual advice is not to love less, but love harder. Work harder. Sacrifice more. Don’t go in feeling like you’re *owed* loyalty based on the dope shit you *did*. You do dope shit by enabling dopeness, and working to be the shit isn’t something that just goes away. Juggalos recognize shine. Seeing your team shine is just as pivotal as shining yourself, and that’s when loyalty comes into p lay.

Stabbing Your Fuckin’ Brain With The Knife of Knowledge,
Stabby!

P.S. You’re not getting this neden since you say you’re Nobody & I don’t fuck Nobodies. 😘 -S