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Dear Stabby,
I need your advice. I’m studying for an exam, and it’s super important that I get high marks! I’m a grown-ass woman with the body of a 12-year-old anorexic orphan boy so my grades are all I have going for me. Plus I have a pathological need to be the best- any score less than 100 and I will die from failure and embarrassment! People say I’m dramatic but I’m not dramatic, everybody else is just stupid! Please help!
Maniacally Academic in Maryland
Hi Macadamia Mary!
Since the turnaround time for these letters takes so long you’ve likely already taken and failed your test, so RIP. But just in case, you’ve come to the right place. According to my promotional material I graduated with a Masters in Psychology from Dark Carnival University so I’m a genius or something. In school I used mnemonic devices to memorize the stages of coping with terminal illness. Anger, denial, fear, bargaining, depression, acceptances for me became: Ayo, Dying Finna Be Damn Awesome! However nothing beats an old fashion cram sesh, so make sure you hit those books. And if anybody talks shit on your big brain and boy body again, hit THEM with the books! Until they stop moving. (Make sure nobody’s around for this last part)
We Never Spoke,
Stabby!
